In anticipation of the 2nd episode of ‘Charlie’ being shown on RTE this weekend, I have decided, for the good of the nation, to publish the definitive list of the ranking of all the Taoisigh by that most important of barometers – how much of a baller they were.
The methods used to achieve this ranking (which is official, and as such legally binding) were highly scientific. I could describe them in further detail but suffice it to say, a lot of nerds perished in the relentless pursuit of accuracy and totality. I’ve tried to leave politics out of it in the interest of fairness, as I know very little about a number of these men. It was much easier to rank the uncool Taoisigh than it was to find cool ones.
13 – John Bruton
No explanation necessary further than this photo. Looks like a mixture of Elizabeth Taylor and Worzel Gummidge.
12 – Brian Cowen
Seems like the kind of man who’d laugh at those less fortunate than him, along with the rest of his golfing buddies. He did ride out the worse economic crisis by getting pissed a lot, which would be how most of us would react, so some credit for that.
11 – Garret Fitzgerald
Seemed like a nice man. Also seemed like a man who’d sell spuds out the back of a Hiace whilst reciting a poem.
10 – Liam Cosgrave
Looks like a narky old Business Studies teacher. Would definately drive a Volvo.
9 – Jack Lynch
Lynch won All-Irelands in both football and hurling, and has a tunnel named after him. All of which is pretty cool. So why isn’t he ranked higher I hear you ask? Well truth is I’m getting tired of writing and just want to finish this list as quickly as possible.
8 – Bertie Ahern
Oh Bertie, Bertie, Bertie. Could have been much higher if it wasnt for the canary yellow suit jacket and mustard slacks. No wonder George Bush never replied to your Bebo messages.
7 – Sean Lemass
A great aul Taoiseach to be fair. Looks like an army commander from a 60’s WW2 film who organises a maverick bunch of commandos to kill some Nazi shits. Which isnt a bad thing.
6 – WT Cosgrave
Has the look of a man who’s completely buzzed out and doesnt have a notion of what document he’s signing. Still though, that suit and tache is VERY Spring/Summer 2015, and the fountain pen and pocket watch are the kind of touches that just scream Karl Lagerfeld.
5 – Enda Kenny
Enda knows the score. We all worried before he became Taoiseach of how he’d fare when meeting Obama and the boys, but he’s doing OK. You get the feeling that he listens to the likes of Nathan Carter behind closed doors though.
4 – Eamonn de Valera
Didn’t really do what anyone said/recommended, which is the sure signs of a badboy. His signature look clearly inspired Rick Moranis in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. His dream that Irelands youth would court at the crossroads inspired both the knacker drinking scene and the rave-in-a-field scene. As a Yank, he probably had loads of Abercrombie & Fitch gear from all his holidays back stateside. Loses points for cosying up to the Catholic Church, could have backed a cooler religion like Buddhism or… I dunno….voodoo.
3 – John A. Costello
Look at the head on this buck! Would you dare rank him any lower?! If ya did you’d get served with a serious plate of knuckle sandwiches.
2 – Albert Reynolds
Sharp dresser. My uncle in law told me that Reynolds owned a discotheque that was the place to be for years. Unfortunately that discotheque was in Edgeworthstown, so it couldnt have been that good.
1 – Charlie Haughey
It had to be. If only for the living beyond our means speech said whilst wearing the finest French suits. You get the impression that Haughey was the kind of man who wore suspenders for his socks, and never wore trousers unless absolutely necessary. Also, smuggling guns is mega cool.
List By Paddy