10 Things that are less of a threat than they used to be

With fresh atrocities by new terror groups being reported in the news seemingly every day lately, its easy to think the world is going down the tubes. But CatMalojin is nothing if not the reassuring bedrock that modern society depends on in hours of need, so we have compiled a list of ten things that were also seen as a threat to the very existence of civilisation in the recent past, but eventually were conquered by the might power of the human spirit. Together we can achieve anything – Just see below!

  1. Quicksand

1

Quicksand was one of these things that you assumed, when you were a child, would be a much larger issue in adulthood than it has actually transpired to be – Certainly Xena the Warrior Princess seemed to encounter it every second episode. Many scholars now see quicksand as a useful evolutionary tool, helping to kill off the stupider humans, much like eating mushrooms you find in the woods or swimming with stingrays.

  1. Steven Seagal

2

The always impeccably dressed Steven Seagal burst on the scenes in the late 1980’s, immediately becoming an A-Lister by virtue of his trademark move: snapping lads arms in half and generally being a weapon of mass destruction. However, we never really knew how long Seagal would be on our side – a man with his skillsets could surely take over the world. But then came 1994 neo-environmental action-adventure Eskimo classic On Deadly Ground, at the end of which Seagal gave this beautiful speech and we finally knew he would always be on the side of good. The plankton is dying, fuckwads – sort it out!

  1. Solar Eclipses

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Remember back in the simpler times of 1999 when the sun disappeared in the middle of the day and the entire world immediately thought the apocalypse was nigh? That, it turns out, was simply a solar eclipse. Although they are thought to be harmless, their cause is still unknown, but is thought to be linked to not making enough human sacrifices to the gods.

  1.  Gigantic Apes

It really is too bad that so many families have been torn apart down the years by something as simple as a gigantic ape. Thankfully, global warming and deforestation of the rainforests are slowly destroying their natural habitats.

  1. Mikhail Gorbachev

5

Wrongly admired in the West these days, people seem to forget that Gorbachev was a communist, and all communists were evil. He introduced policies called ‘glasnost’ and ‘perestroika’, and while I don’t know what they are exactly, they certainly sound VERY evil. Luckily the Soviet Union has collapsed, and Vladimir Putin is in charge of Russia now and there are no problems any more in that country in any regard.

  1.  Briars

Admit it, you have far less need to be traipsing through briars now that your an adult. I put this down to 2 major factors: 1 – You’re less liable to play ball games in the vicinity of briars, and 2 – The rumour you heard from your neighbour Paddy McGinny about there being fairy gold buried in the middle of the briars was a only a half truth. I hate that jerk Paddy McGinny .

  1. The Conquistadors

No. of deaths by Conquistadors in the 16th Century: 25 million

No. of deaths by Conquistadors in the 21st Century: 14.3 million

Good job Conquistadors!

                  3. Voodoo

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Voodoo gets a bad name but any religion that encourages the wearing of top hats and capes can’t be that bad.

  1. Galactus

Now don’t get me wrong, Galactus is a bad piece of work, and his propensity to eat planet’s would ultimately mean the end of Planet Earth if he ever showed up. But recent research has shown that space is massive, and there are at least 50 different planets out there. Assuming that Galactus is only capable of eating one planet per year, it will in all likelihood be at least a decade before he turns up here, with a bit of luck.

  1. DMX

10

DMX seems to have mellowed in the past few years, and his recent crimes seem less malicious than his earlier days….Who am I kidding? As we enter 2015, DMX is still the biggest threat to humanity’s existence. Pray you never see witness him lose his mind (up in here, up in here)

List by Paddy

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