Superbowl XLIX – The Big Contest

Superbowl XLIX is taking place this weekend in Phoenix, Arizona between the New England Patriots and the Seattle Seahawks. As we know very little about American Football, and we have have a very short attention span – too short even for a game that only requires a short attention span as is – we have decided to make it interesting. And whats more interesting and cool than reckless gambling?

THE CONTEST

The contest itself is fairly straight-forward. We both bet a shiny Euro on 10 categories linked to the Superbowl. The winner is the person who wins the most (or loses the least) money. In the unlikely event that any profits are made they will be (very generously) given to charity. To even things out, charities will have to pay for any losses made.

What’s in it for us? The loser has to buy the winner a 2 course dinner in a modestly priced restaurant next time we meet.

THE PLAYERZ

1
Name: Tony Lynch Jr

Favourite American Football Team: The Bay City Rollers

Yards: Really big one – full of timber though. Zoning status: Legit.

Motto: Giggle me Timbers

1

Name: Paddy “The Notorious Padre P.I.G” O’Brien

Favourite American Football Team: LA Dodgers #GoDodgers

Home Runs: Numerous times after a night out, especially when McGowans sheepdog is out

Motto: If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit

THE BETS

2

Tony: Playing it safe on this one, Over 121.5 seconds. Rumour has is Idina is enjoying her time in the spotlight at present and is keen for this to last for as long as possible. Expect needlessly elongating notes ladies and gentlemen.

Paddy: In theory this should be the category I’ll do best in as I know more about contemporary musical theatre than I do about American Football, and purely based on Let It Go from Frozen I dont think Idina Menzel is the kind of singer to needlessly elongate her notes in the way that Cyndi Lauper might. So I’ll go for Under 121.5 seconds.

 

1 Paddy: I actually have a funny feeling that it’s going to be an American flag inspired number. But that’s not an option. I’ll go for Orange/Peach, in the assumption that that covers skin coloured clothes, and in the safe knowledge that society is going down the toilets and she may well not bother with any clothing at all.

Tony: My immediate thoughts shifted towards an Old Glory inspired piece too, however, as this is not an option i’m going to plump for Yellow. Not only does Katy Perry look a right bobby-dazzler in yellow but it also the colour associated with perfection and Katy ain’t far off.

3

Tony: All day son! Heads. I had this exact same conundrum yesterday when asked to decide between the two for a chance to win a free Burrito ( from Burritos and Blues no less) – went with tails and it failed!

Paddy: Well, as we all know, Tails never fails, and with that kind of record it would be remiss of me not to back that.

4

Paddy: Thanking deflated footballs would be pretty funny, as would the winner thanking himself. But as much as I’d like to back either of those, I realise that this is a fierce competition that I have no intention of losing so I’m going to go for the big fella, the Alpha and the Omega, the creator of the earth and humanity’s only hope for salvation – Katy Perry.

Tony: Katy Perry is not a dude! If I were Tom Brady the first person I would thank would be my wife, Gisele Bündchen, for maintaining her bodacious bod all these years. All respect to Gisele. In reality though I am going to go with Owners. 

5

Tony: The Gronk is bringing it home folks! Bad ass Rob Gronkowski returns to Arizona for the first time after being banned from the state for fly-tipping in a high profile incident involving a Bell Cement Mixer and a few bags of lime. The ban has been lifted for one weekend only so expect a performance like no other. Think Travolta in Grease.

Paddy: Apart from Tom Brady, I only recognise one name on this list – that of Luke Wilson, who I can only assume is the same Luke Wilson that was in Legally Blonde & The Royal Tenenbaums. There’s a lot of great sitcom character sounding names on this list – Vince Wilfork, LaGarrette Blount, Bobby Wagner, Cliff Avril and Devin McCourty all deserve praise, but I’ll go for my favourite of all – Kam Chancellor.

6

Paddy: I can feel it in me bones that its going to be around 22.8 degrees celsius, so I’m going down the middle here. Very confident on this one.

Tony: 20 is an easy choice here. Second one.

7

Tony: Katy being mad as a bag of frogs I’m saying Up in some sort of Diana Ross afro.

Paddy: She’s a strong, independent lady – she don’t need no man. Down for me.

8

Paddy: I dont know who Bill Belichick is, whether he’s a player, a coach or a commentator but I do know that cutting your sleeves off makes you as hard as nails, and also gives you the aerodynamical advantage so I’ll take Sleeves Cut here.

Tony: Well Bill is an absolute cheat so I expect this bet to be null and void. For arguments sake I am going with Sleeves Cut.

9

Tony: Heavily dependent on the coin toss. I expect the Seahawks to lead for the majority of this game before Tom does his thing in the last. Seattle for me.

Paddy: If this category is about what I think it is, I reckon Tom Brady is far to clean cut to get involved in that kind of sordid business. I choose the Seahawks.

10

Paddy: I’mma gonna back my boy Robert Turbing to record more than 1 receiving yard. 1 yard isn’t very much. He must be shite if he’s 4/1 to beat just 1 yard. Nevertheless, I have faith.

Tony: What does this even mean? I’ll have to back Luke Wilson. Old School is an absolute classic and gotta give the man props for that.

“You’re my boy, Blue! You’re my boy.” LOL every time.

We’ll update this on Monday, and let anyone who’s interested know how we get on. Not too well I imagine.

By Paddy & Tony

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