Valentine’s Day is coming up this weekend, love is in the air and many couples will enjoy a romantic weekend with their loved ones. However, many more women will be going for dates with prospective partners for the first time this weekend. Some of these lucky women will have nabbed a date with a cool dude, and will be understandably nervous – the opportunity to date a cool dude doesn’t come around very often, and these women will be very anxious to impress. Luckily, Paddy and Tony, the writers of this very blog, are two such cool dudes, and are here to talk you through the do’s and don’ts of dating a cool dude.
HOW TO ASK A COOL DUDE OUT
Paddy: Cool dudes don’t have time to be asking people out, but I have a theory that women have a fear about asking cool dudes out – by way of example, this will be the 26th year in a row to be single on Valentines Day. You don’t have to make a grand gesture when asking a cool dude out – we’re not asking that you go to the trouble of sky-writing an invitation with one of those cloud airplane things. Something simple, like hiring an gyrocopter to pull a banner, with the invitation written on it, is perfectly acceptable.
ARRIVING IN STYLE
Paddy: I would contend that there are only three modes of transport that are not cool – buses, spacewagons and good cars – like Toyota Avensis’. Bad cars are tragically cool, and cool cars are cool, but there’s nothing cool about comfort or fuel economy. Coolest way to arrive to a date – 4. In a blimp, 3. On horseback, 2. On a jetpack, 1. Driving a pick-up.
Tony: My top 3 – 3. Pleasure cruiser 2. Hover Craft 1. Hiace Van filled with stolen tools.
WHERE TO GO
DINNER IN A NICE RESTAURANT
Paddy: Waste of time. Absolute waste of time. A portion of Fishermans Friends is as good as any.
Tony: Rare meats is an option. Under cooked chicken puts hair on a mans chest as does rare beef and venison.
Paddy: A walk in a forest is nice, but it would have to be a deciduous forest – coniferous forests cause soil leaching which is seriously not cool. My favourite game to play in the woods is estimating how many swings of my axe would it take me to fell a particular tree. Generally I’ll do that for every tree in the woods.
Tony: Only two options here, get your man down to either the local Destruction Derby or Bullfight. Both affordable and convenient. Ondelay!
Paddy: I’m a big fan of the sea, but you have to be careful going on a date in a coastal area. For example the beach is fine; I’ll get the salty sea air in my lungs, plenty of place to do a few hundred impromptu press-ups and an opportunity to search for treasure. However harbours are to be avoided generally – It is very likely that I’d get distracted by the size of the propellers and anchors on some of the boats. The very presence of boats in such close quarters would lead me to reminisce about my many nautical adventures in the South Seas. In fact, if, whilst in the harbour, a strapping sea captain offered me a berth on a voyage I would certainly not refuse a demand to leave port immediately, and from experience that’s not a great way to end a date.
GOING TO A CONCERT
Tony: Good shout – it doesnt even matter whether its acid jazz, free jazz, Bebop jazz or Dixieland jazz.
Paddy: While no date should start out as a smuggle run, I’m not going to lie – if we’re near any sort of customs border, and there is a commodity to hand that is not obtainable legally on the other side of the border, a Smokey and the Bandit style smuggle run will happen
Tony: No better way to a mans heart than with a good smuggle run. What man wouldn’t want to end up in an AUD type situation? Smuggling guns from one country to another in the fight for independence. Ladies, take note. Brits Out – LOL
Paddy: Like most people, I got the bug from smuggling from my mother. Growing up, she would often regale me about her youth – smuggling butter cross border from northern Ireland, over Cuilcagh mountain, back to her home in Glangevlin. Of course butter was illegal back then in the Free State. She’d set out in her cargo pants for the market in Florencecourt, and would fill her 17 pockets to the brim with raw butter – Glangevlin Amber – as they used to call it. That was the easy part over, for combing Cuilcagh mountain on her return trip were the government gendarmes hunting for butter smugglers. These usually remained on the lower slopes – at the higher altitudes, some as high as 600 metres – you had to contend with Joanna Lumley and her team of Gurkha commandoes. Them’s the boys that’d flog ya, if they caught ya! Bejaysus they would. Added to that you had Gerry Adams himself roaming around the mountain, hiding in the bushes, looking for a piece of the action too. Manys a man lost his life on that butter run. But despite all these obstacles she was never caught. Of course, the butter was long melted into her britches by the time she got home. Luckily though, cargo pants have a lower boiling point than butter, so they were able to boil the trousers off, and extract the butter right out of the gooey mess, and they could have a grand bitta butter for their sanggiches. The Good Friday agreement brought an end to all that carry on though.
Tony: Does cock fighting classify as theatre?
Paddy: I think so, ya
Tony: Then ya, theatre is fine
TOPICS OF CONVERSATION
At some point on the date, you are going to have to talk to the cool dude. Here’s what to talk about.
Paddy: Talking about recent variations in price in literally any commodity is right up our street – crude oil, beef, scrap metal, barely legal hot pants – it’s all good
Tony: Men are a simple creatures really, keep the conversation going with topics such as engines and horsepower, CAT machinery and boots, the price of a pint of plain – all topical and of great interest to all cool dudes
Paddy: Well, I know that tradition says that the man should pay on the first date, but the problem with cool dudes is that we don’t have a whole lot of disposable income after buying cool dude things like top hats and saxophones.
Tony: Call for the cheque, eat it, drop a cool G on the table, leave and head for a hape of pints.