Cat Malojin reviews the Major Contenders for the 2015 Oscars

The 87th Academy Awards are taking place this Sunday night, the 22nd of February, so Cat Malojin take a look and give our opinion on the main contenders, so you don’t have to. Well you may have to, as it turns out we haven’t seen very much of these films, but nevertheless….

SELMA

Tony: Haven’t seen this film and don’t think I’ll bother to be honest, seems like one of those films that will last about three hours, tell a story you already know and will be forgotten about immediately after the Oscars.

Verdict:  Lord of the Rings is a fantastic alternative.

Paddy: This is the kind of film I would have lied about liking when I was about 21. I couldn’t be bothered anymore though. I seen 12 Years a Slave, and all the main fella seems to do is mope around a lot. The most political films I watch nowadays feature Nicolas Cage stealing the Declaration of Independence.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: Jamie Foxx as Django.

Birdman

Tony: I still can’t work out if this is a true story or not.

Verdict: ?

Paddy: Ya, it’s very hard to judge this film only having seen the trailer. I liked Michael Keaton when he played the snowman in Jack Frost though

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: ?

THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

Paddy:  Ralph Fiennes, Bill Murray and Jeff Goldblum are all in this film, and, as a lower middle class male that’s enough for me. This film is fantastic though, best of the year by far.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: There’s about 40 actors in this film already. It’s essentially a good version of Expendables 3…Hmm, Mel Gibson playing a Nazi would be a welcome addition to any film – and that character would fit in better in Grand Budapest Hotel than it would in say, Fly Away Home.

Tony: Easily film of the year in my opinion. Wes Anderson (Crazy as a coconut) has created an absolute masterpiece but I don’t think the Academy will award it the gong for reasons unknown.

Verdict: Would love to see Gustav H. take the Oscar!

FOXCATCHER

Tony: This film was the one I was most looking forward to but it’s rubbish, looking back I now realise that I was very naive to think this as Steve Carrell is rubbish and the other dude is stink too.

Verdict : Go to your local Chartbusters and rent Taffin for the week.

Paddy: This film is boring. Steve Carell looks different in it than he looks in real life but if that was the only criteria for making a good film Eddie Murphy would be winning the Oscar every year.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: The Rock as Hercules. He throws a horse over his shoulder in that film, for Petes sake! And this seems like the film on this list that you would be most able to get away with shoehorning that scene into.

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

Paddy: Haven’t seen this one either, but it seems like a bit of a Robocop rip-off: Man is happy, bad things happen to man, Man is turned into a robot to save his his life. Eddie Redmayne’s roles are getting less and less threatening. Black Death > Les Miserables > The Theory of Everything > An effiminate space prince in Jupiter Ascending. If he keeps this up his next role will probably be as a tub of Sudocrem.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: Sir Killalot from Robot Wars, as Stephen Hawkings enemy.

Tony: I have never been a major science fiction fan myself unless Natalie Portman is involved, and unfortunately she doesn’t feature in this one. Alex Murphy scoring Felicity Jones? Get out of it.

Verdict: One for the Trekkies among us.

THE IMITATION GAME

Tony: Ah, I’m sick of Cumberbatch and I haven’t even seen the guy act. Marten Tyldum has a lot to answer for here – Where does a guy get off directing a film where a mathematician scores Keira Knightley?

Verdict: Hungover Sunday flick.

Paddy: Again, haven’t seen this and frankly have no intention of seeing it in the future. I don’t get the whole Benedict Cumberbatch fascination that women (at least the female editors of Buzzfeed) seem to have.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: Replace Cumberbatch with Danny Dyer -“Fuck these Nazi slags, its all about the numbers, innit”

BOYHOOD

Tony: Jeez, I haven’t seen many of these films. Is it any good at all Pat?

Paddy: I hate when they do this with movies – Remake an ethnic classic, recast with white actors and re-jig the title slightly to make it more Oscar friendly. I haven’t seen this film either, but I have seen the original, and Boyz N the Hood is a stone cold classic.

WHIPLASH

Tony: J.K Simmons is the business in this brilliant film. I played the drums for all of two hours so I can directly relate to the strenuous pressure put upon the shoulders of a drumming prodigy.

Verdict – Oscar all over this propulsive flick!

Paddy: Ya, you were raving about this film before, but I just can’t from the trailer how this film could be anyway entertaining. Needless to say I haven’t seen this film either

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: Instead of a jazz band, Woody Harrelson takes young bongo apprentice Matthew McConaughey under his wing, and together they smoke shit tons of peyote.

AMERICAN SNIPER

Tony:Bradley Cooper is the most overrated actor on the planet in my opinion. Sure the man is a dreamboat and he grows an impeccable beard but other than that… American Sniper is well worth the entrance fee though, an excellent movie. A real shame Eastwood depicts Kyle as an American hero when the guy is a quite the opposite.

Verdict – Good, excellent if you’re a gun slingin’ republican.

Paddy: So perfect for like Gerry Adams or Martin McGuinness then? Haven’t seen this one either though. Looks a bit ‘Hurt Locker-y’, which isn’t a great thing I reckon.

Cast addition that that would have made this film better: Cast Martin Lawrence as Bradley Cooper’s sniper buddy and have him make quips and “Awww Hell No!” style hollers.

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