Dining on a Budget – The Cat Malojin Guide

February 2015 is, for people who get paid monthly, a dreaded 5 week month. Inevitably, after payday, at the start of any given month, you’ll have spunked your wad (as it were) on expensive mink furs and fine bone china. Normally for people on a yearly salary of €8,000, like myself, you’ll be left a bit short at the end of the month – but with enough to get by.

No such luck with the 5 week month however, as you’ll be rubbing your pennies together to merely survive until the next payday, when the cycle will start all over again. If Cat Malojin is one thing it is surely the greatest altruistic force of the 21st century, so we’ve decided to share a few of our favourite simple, and most importantly cheap, dinner ideas to help you get through.

Nettle Soup

Nettles are everywhere and are free – apart from the shame of being caught picking nettles. Made into a soup, they’re also full of delicious iron. Tip to the wise: If the nettle soup stings your mouth it means you haven’t heated your soup for long enough. Or perhaps you’ve overheated your nettle soup and its not a sting at all but a burn. Let this be a lesson to you. If it is a sting and not a burn, I dunno, make up some dock leaf soup.

What you will need:

Nettles: Free

Water Free:

Premium brand food processor to make up your soup: €129.99

Crisps

How do camels survive for so long in the desert without eating or drinking for long periods of time? They have large fat reserves. And you know what are cheap and abundant in saturated fats? Crisps. They’re essentially a superfood.

What you will need:

Crisps: 3p

You know what goes great with crisps? Beer. Buy 2 cans just. €4

Ah sure, now that you’ve had those 2 you might as well have 8 more: €16

Entrance to nightclub: €12

14 shots of tequila rose: €42

Kebab & can of Lilt: €6.95

Taxi Home: €12

Fine for soiling taxi: €65

Go Fishing

Fish, Ugh. No one ever likes to be ordered to eat fish but you’re hungry, so quit your jibber jabber. The easiest way to catch fish is to go to a local fishing pool, and dump in a bag of lime. The stupid fish will float right up to the surface et voila, dinner is served!

What you will need:

Bag of lime: €8

A & E costs for getting your stomach pumped after ingesting copious levels of lime: €150

HEROIN

Skag. Horse. Athlone Sugar – Say with what you will, nothing else is as effective at staving off hunger as heroin. But ya, we probably wouldn’t recommend this one that highly.

What you will need:

1 portion of Heroin please: €1000 (Estimate)

Spoon: €2.50

Lighter: €1.50

Acoustic guitar, to write wistful soft rock songs: €75

Rehab after been scared straight by realising that acoustic wistful, soft rock songs are terrible: €10,000

Stew

Who better than noted thespian Carl Weathers to give his recipe for a cheap and delicious meal!

Bon appetit!

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