Ahead of the big Ireland vs England game in the Nations on Sunday next, in order to find out which nation is objectively better for once and for all, the Cat Malojin boys have analysed both countries in nine categories. There’s a point at stake in each category, and the overall country with the highest score at the end is the winner.
The prize? The winning nation gets full legal custody of Tony Cascarino.
Best Rugby team Freak
Well, Devin Toner is obviously a candidate here but, whether you like him or loathe him, he just doesn’t have the pure freak pedigree that Martin Johnson showers in.
Score: Ireland 0 – 1 England
Foster & Allen vs chas & Dave
Both way ahead of the hipster curve with their fashion choices but saying that, there is something inherently creepy about both of these duos. However you can listen slightly longer to Chas and Dave’s music (37 seconds) than Foster and Allen (3 seconds) – I actually tried this – so they’ll get my vote here.
Score: Ireland 0 – 2 England
BEST Political OUTBURST
Two humdingers here – I severely disliked David Cameron until I seen the video above, and that’s an superb bit of dissing, and that has to be respected. Gogarty’s outburst is not quite as subtle but gets the vote for the speed with which he apologises both immediately before and after, and for the look of genuine hatred in his face.
Score: Ireland 1 – 2 England
PAul From Fair City vs Mick From Eastenders
Can’t separate these two – love them both. In fact I’m currently writing a shoot-em-up, private detective inspired screenplay featuring these two characters set in a Miami Vice style setting. I call it ‘Weetabix presents The All New Adventures of Carter Michaels and Brennan St. Paul’
Note to self – contact Weetabix
Score: Ireland 1.5 – 2.5 England
BEST r and B singer
This one is easy – Leona Lewis, Amy Winehouse, Adele, Gabrielle, Simply Red – I could go on – None of them have a patch on proud Irishman, R. Kelly.
Score: Ireland 2.5 – 2.5 England
Who would win in a fight – The tullow tank Or jason Statham from crank?
You always hear about Sean O’Brien being a tough farmer, but you never see him missing games because there’s a cow calving at home. In my short sporting experience, playing in Leitrim junior football, this isn’t what real tough farmers do at all.
Still though, he’s probably pretty tough, but there’s no way he’s as tough as Chev Chelios… I assume everyone’s seen the Academy Award winning Crank, so there’s no real need to further qualify this decision.
Score: Ireland 2.5 – 3.5 England
Best CREAM SUITS: Elton John or Phil Coulter
For me, Phil Coulter IS cream suits – Poise, elegance, just a touch of bastardy. He’d be spinning in his grave if he had ever seen Elton John disrespect the art form to such an extent.
Score: Ireland 3.5 – 3.5 England
BATTLE of the SPorts Correspondents – Marty Morrisey’s Forehead or Jimmy Hill’s Chin?
A battle of two cultural icons here. Whereas Chinny’s (as Jimmy Hill likes to be called) chin is a natural occurrence, Marty Morrissey’s forehead is the result of much cosmetic surgery. Both are equally attractive, and also have practical usage – Chinny uses his chin as a windbreaker when he’s out flying his box kites, and Marty Morrissey’s forehead is so shiny it reflects harmful UV rays back into the atmosphere. In fact it is going a long way to make RTE 100% carbon neutral. I can’t choose between the two of these, so they point shall be split.
Score: Ireland 4 – 4 England
Colm Meaney Vs Jade Goody
Its not good to be meanie. And Jade Goody pretended to be a goodie but was really a meanie. Colm Meaney can seem like a meanie, especially when he doesn’t share his Meanies, but look at him there as cute a button, he is clearly a goodie. Plus he was in Con Air. Meaney is good for me.
FINAL SCORE: Ireland 5 – 4 England
It’s Ireland’s greatest victory over England since Jedward trounced Englebert Humperdinck 46 – 12 at the 2012 Eurovision