The Dark Underbelly of Irish Politics – A Cat Malojin Investigation

I recently read the book Freakonomics by these two American guys, who basically demonstrate how numbers and data are at the basis of everything and that if you have the right data you can discover findings that can change conventional wisdom – for example, owning a swimming pool is much more dangerous than owning a gun for families with children. Anywho, I was somewhat intrigued by the theory of it all, so I have spent the last few days off work in an attempt to see could I discover anything about Irish politics that may be a game-changer. It turns out I most certainly did…

SINN FEIN – AN ANALYSIS

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I’m not the first person to notice the intrinsic link between the fortunes of  female pop superstar Selena Gomez and Sinn Fein. Certainly before Gomez got back together with Justin Bieber in October of last year there was some discrepancy between the two, but ever since then it seems that the fortunes of both are intertwined eternally. So, what is the reason for this I hear you ask? It can only be one thing – Justin Bieber IS the IRA.

FINE GAEL – AN ANALYSIS

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There’s a fascinating correlation between the fortunes of hot pants and Fine Gael between 2005 and 2007. This was the time when Fine Gael were restructuring, and were seen as the hipster party. Of course, I was into them back then. Shortly after this period though, Fine Gael went mainstream, and of course the correlation ended – these days hot pants have 5 times the approval ratings of Fine Gael (this raises to 7.4 times for barely legal hot pants). This is to be expected of course, and only reinforces the efficacy of Stalins 3 point plan for Soviet Russia’s growth in the 1930s: “Hot pants, Hot Pants, Hot Pants”

THE RYAN-LINE: AN ANALYSIS

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Investigating data released recently by RTE, I have noticed that there has been a massive drop-off in listeners to the ‘Ryan-Line’ since around the end Spring 2010. I hesitate to give a reason for this steep drop, as it really is outside my area expertise as a political commentator.

JIM CORR: AN ANALYSIS

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According to the graphs above it takes Jim Corr an average of 2 months after a moderately sad event to come up with a conspiracy theory about that event. For example – Expendables 3 was released in August 2014 to a lower box office return than expected – In October 2014, Jim Corr claimed that lizard people ate the part of the Expendables’ writers brains that controls story structure and characterisation. In another worrying trend it would seem that Corr’s theories are getting more popular year on year. What do shape-shifting reptilians think of that? Find out in 2 months time.

MICHAEL HEALY RAE: AN ANALYSIS

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The above data gleaned from the South Western region exclusively, clearly refutes Michael Healy Rae’s claim that he was not privy to the cheating that seen him win nature photography programme Celebrities Go Wild in Autumn 2007. As you may recall, Dail Eireann phones were used to make over €3,000 worth of phonecalls on Healy Rae’s behalf, in the greatest political scandal since Watergate. Healy Rae denied responsibility, but if you consider the above data it would seem that it was a pre-meditated act. To his credit, the blue data would suggest that Healy Rae was under false pretences as to what the show actually entailed, but I daren’t speculate any further on that.

ENDA KENNY: AN ANALYSIS

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Of course we all love Enda Kenny, but there’s one thing Enda Kenny doesnt love, it would seem, and that’s returning to Dail sessions after the summer break. The above google searches show a massive yearly peak in the four search terms mentioned in August and September. Considering that the figures are for the whole of County Mayo, it really goes to show just how much Enda dreads the end of his holidays to Ballyhaunis. And who can blame him.

 EAMONN GILMORE: AN ANALYSIS
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Eamonn Gilmore resigned as Tanaiste in July 2014 – We were told that he was pushed out by the Labour Party, but why? Perhaps I have the reason – The above red dot shows the date Gilmore resigned, the line graph shows the dramatic growth in Monster Munch Addiction google searches immediately after this date. Could it be that Gilmore’s Monster Munch addiction was crippling the Labour Party, and clouding his judgement? Was Gilmore waking up on sofa’s he didn’t recognise, with the tell tale golden crumbs under his fingernails? Did the Labour Party have no choice but to make him get help and leave the Dail? Well, the facts have certainly been skewed to make it look that way, thats all I know.

GERRY ADAMS – AN ANALYSIS

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Interest in Gerry Adams went through the roof last June in Ireland when there were widespread rumours that his beard was haunted by the ghost of Iain Paisley. Is it true? Maybe we’ll never know, but he’s never denied it.

MICK WALLACE – AN ANALYSIS

MW

I was surprised to learn that there’s an undeniable link between the dance craze of twerking and the homeless, but fabulous, TD Mick Wallace. That’s not to say that Mick Wallace is the cause of all the twerking that went on – it could well be – but it could also mean that people are twerking and then googling Mick Wallace in the post twerk euphoria. So which is it? I don’t know, but as a twerker myself I, for one, recognise the influence Mick Wallace has had on my dancing.

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