Who Should Replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear?

It looks increasingly likely that Jeremy Clarkson will be getting sacked from Top Gear, after seemingly calling the BBC ‘fucking bastards’ last night. Anyways, there’s a lot of people clamouring that Top Gear will never be the same again and that Clarkson is irreplaceable. However we’ve found 5 personalities on UK telly that could be perfect for the job.

Tim Wonnacott

You’d imagine James May would be delighted if Bargain Hunt presenter, Tim Wonnacott, was appointed to the Top Gear head-seat, so they could discuss the relative merits of Pitt the Elder over Lord Palmerston. Every episode of Top Gear with Wonnacott in chage would include a trip to a local manor house which may, admittedly, get a bit tiresome. Wonnacott’s camp demeanour would certainly be at odds with Clarkson’s persona, and you could be sure that Top Gear would be more unprofitable, as any leftover lolly saved in buying cars for a particular Top Gear challenge would be reinvested in local antiquities, that would surely record a modest loss when brought to auction. Still though, I’d watch it.

Kevin McCloud

Tony and myself have a running debate about who is better – Kevin McCloud or Dermot Bannon on RTE, but I’m firmly in McCloud’s camp. He’s a bit of a motorhead so could do a job on Top Gear, and would be more passive agressive and judgmental than Clarkson, which is funny in a more subtle way. If it would be anything like Grand Designs, he’d admire the expensive and flashy cars for their engineering, but would much prefer a run down Opel Kadett that had been restored with scrap metal and twigs to run on the recycled tears of scolded toddlers.

Jeremy Paxman

There are obvious financial advantages associated with giving another Jeremy the job – for example you would only need to erase half the name on the Top Gear stationary. Also, Clarkson was always a bit too cosy with the celebrity guests – I can’t imagine Paxman would give a shit about most of them.

Paxman: So, Ryan Giggs, did you cheat on your wife with your sister in law?

Giggs: Er, what?

P: Did you cheat on your wife with your sister in law?

G: I’m not here to answer that…

P: Did you cheat on your wife with your sister in law?

G: I did a lap you know…

P: Did you cheat on your wife with your sister in law?

G: ……

P: Did you cheat on your wife with your sister in law?

G: ….er…Yes

P: Ryan Giggs, thank you.

Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances

Onslow from KUP (as us fanboys calls Keeping Up Appearances) is the personality on English television that I think most resembles Jeremy Clarkson as is. It would be an absolute seamless transition, and he could just drive his Cortina in every episode, no matter what the challenge – unadulterated comedy gold!

In fact, the addition of Onslow would drastically improve Top Gear. Actually he’d improve any show – Onslow on University Challenge, Onslow on House of Cards, Onslow becomes Zooey Deschanels new room-mate on New Girl.

Ceremy Jlarkson


Who’s this cool customer? Not much is known about Ceremy Jlarkson – he first came on the scene very recently – about a week ago I think – but his forthright views and his history of definitely not punching any Irishman in the face because there was no hot food in the hotel they were staying in could be exactly what Top Gear needs right now.


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