Cat Malojin try to identify the Jesus & the 12 Apostles

1

This week is of course Holy Week, and as if to prove that there is no event we won’t exploit for clicks we decided to set ourselves a religious based challenge – A contest wherein the two of us try to name as many people as we can in da Vinci’s painting The Last Supper, without looking up the names of the 12 apostles. The spoils: The winner would surely get a vague sense of being holier and closer to God than the other person, so the stakes were high.

For the record – the two of us did this blind, without knowing the others answer, so the wrong answer that we both give is all the more strangely remarkable.

2

Tony: This is Jebus, King of the Jews and a tidy corner back for Galilee back in the day. Enjoys steak and fine wine.

Paddy: Well this is the man himself, Jesus Christ. He seems a bit exasperated with the catering – the waiters have just thrown the bread on the table, ignoring the fact that there’s a perfectly good empty plate just beside it. Plus the wine is served in a tumbler. He’ll be giving a 2.5 star rating for this cowboy operation on Trip Advisor.

Result: Jesus! Off to a flyer. Score: Paddy 1:1 Tony

3

Paddy: Thought this was Mary Madgalene, but a quick and simple count of the numbers just makes it impossible, as any 5 year old would be able to tell you. Nevertheless, this man is having a wee snooze for himself. Way to sleep through the most important event of all time, jerk-face. This could be Doubting Thomas, as he seems a pretty flaky sort.

Tony: I think this is Mary Magdelene, local floozy and village drunk.

Result: John. Was there a John? Hmm, I’m not convinced, might ring the Vatican to confirm. Score: Paddy 1:1 Tony

4

Tony: A young Eamon Dunphy here having just plucked a booger from his snoz. ‘A good resurrection, not a great a resurrection’, he would later comment, on Easter Sunday.

Paddy: This fella looks a bit like you Tony! He also looks like the Joe Pesci style psycho of the group, so on that flimsy basis I’ll say this is Joseph. On second thoughts, Is there even an apostle called Joseph though? Ugh. I’m beginning to regret the flimsy premise of the whole contest at this stage.

Result: Thomas. Ya, he does have the look of a fella you’d have a hard time talking to alright. Score: Paddy 1:1 Tony

5

Paddy: This is an apostle of Jesus Christ and he’s packing heat, so you’d have to wonder how he passed the entrance exam. He looks like the kind of buck who would be after ya for money, so it could well be Matthew, the tax collector.

Tony: Charlie Landsborough seen here singing Forever Friends at The Last Supper. Landsborough was one of Jesus’ most trusted advisors and a close confidante. Lover of Fruit Pastilles and Custard Creams.

Result: Peter. Doesnt really look pope material to me. Score: Paddy 1:1 Tony

6

Tony: Country Music Legend – Alan Jackson? Alan doesn’t really sound like an apostles name though…

Paddy: This guy is obviously shocked by whatever he’s heard, and is all like ‘Woah, woah, woah, back the fuck up’

I think this is Maurice Gibb from the Beegees – I’ve always liked to think that Stayin’ Alive was what Jesus sang as he strutted out of the cave on Easter Sunday, so it would make sense that at least one of the brothers Gibb were at the Last Supper.

Result:  James the Greater. Score: Paddy 1:1 Tony

7

Paddy: I reckon this is Judas for two reasons – 1. His face is darker than the rest of them, and 2. He’s grasping a bag, which is presumably full of sweeties and treats that he spent some of his 30 pieces of silver on.

Tony: Judas Iscariot? The original juicer, pumped up on steroids and protein.

Result:  Judas Iscariot! Neck and neck stuff! Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

8

Tony: Mick Hucknall here, said to have cooked the actual last supper. Bovril and Rusk.

Paddy: Ugh, I’d kick this guy out of the apostles if I was Jesus. He doesnt seem to be up to much, which is why he’ll only leave a successful crew like the apostles in a coffin – a bit like Liam in One Direction. Liam, it is.

Result: Philip. Hmm, he does look like a bit of a Philip actually. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

9

Paddy:This fella is doing the ‘copping a feel hand squeeze’ gesture, which is pretty funny but also pretty immature, so on that basis he’s probably not that well respected, so I’ll go for James the Less

Tony: Has the looks of a Matthew about him

Result: Andrew. At this stage you get the feeling one more correct answer will do it. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

10

Tony:  It’s Cat Malojins favourite uncle, Bill Cullen. You can tell by the big shoulders and shovel like hands.

Paddy: This one is doing a early version of Queen Bey’s dance from Drunk in Love. Hmm, this could well be the original Sasha Fierce.

Result: Matthew. This is a poor, tedious contest. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

11

Paddy: I’m trying to remember the rhyme I learned in primary school, to recall the apostles names, and I know that James the Less had a brother Jude, so despite the 40 year difference between them, they have a similiar beard set up, so they could be brothers from different mothers, or whatever the Roman Empire version of home boys was, so perhaps I’ve found my Jude.

Tony: Wasnt there one called Aurora?

Result: James the Less. Off the woodwork for Paddy! Tony’s getting his apostles and Disney princesses mixed up again. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

12

Tony: Gandalf the Grey, Jesus’ on hand wizard and protector of the realm. Gandalf was given his P45 after taking 3 full days to resurrect Jesus and was banished to Middle Earth.

Paddy: I feel that I haven’t been doing very well in this whole competition  up to now, but I know exactly who this character is, Jesus’ forever friend – St Charlie Landsborough. Cheque please!

Result: St Jude. A draw looks inevitable. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

13

Paddy: I’ve been trying to figure out who looks like the most dependable sort, and I’ve settled on this sturdy looking hunk, and I think it could well be Peter. Unlike the rest of them, who are gesticulating wildly with their hands he looks like he’s ready to start cracking heads.

Tony: This is Philip. The Versace robe and kangaroo leather sandals are a dead giveaway. We are proud to be the first website to confirm that Philip was a devoted follower of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and a practising Pastafarian.

Result: Bartholomew. Ugh. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

14

Tony: Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan. He doesnt care about what Jesus has just announced, and is just waiting to get something in edgeways about cutting turf, so he can get home.

Paddy: This poor aul buck looks like he’s gotten his face flattened by  a fall from a mule. This guy is pretty old looking though, so could well be Bartholomew – only old people would call themselves Bartholomew, he probably went by something more hip like Bar-Tab in his younger days.

Result: Simon Zealot. Score: Paddy 2:2 Tony

Overall Conclusions

Well, in hindsight, should we have expected to do any better? Perhaps, seeing as we both attended the seminary in Maynooth for 5 years before dropping out. In fairness though we only attended that seminary for the nuns and the free wine. Is Leonardo da Vinci to blame, to some extent? Almost certainly, if you ask me – the addition of a few speech bubbles with catchphrases and Superman style logo’s on the various tunics wouldn’t have gone astray at all. Was this post essentially pointless? It could be argued that it is but then again maybe not, if we manage to sell it to the Irish Catholic, as we hope.

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