The green shoots of economic recovery have been blossoming in Ireland in recent times, to such an extent that the government has seen it fit to give everyone in the civil service a juicy pay rise. Which was nice of them. However, it’s surely imperative that this economic growth is more sustainable than Celtic Tiger Mark 1, so in the public interest we’ve put together our list of 7 things the government can do to ensure that things don’t go tits up once more.
7 – Seek Reparations from Countries that have invaded us
It was recently reported that just as Germany is demanding that Greece pay them back for the bailout, Greece are coincidentally demanding that Germany pays them the exact same amount of money for World War 2 reparations. It’s a cunning ploy, and one that Ireland should use to great effect, as we’ve never invaded anyone really. By my reckoning we should be able to demand money from the UK, all the Scandinavian Viking countries, Normandy for the Norman invasion, Celtic FC for the invasion (and ongoing occupation) by the Celts, and Tír na nÓg for putting notions into Oisin’s head.
Obviously, this plan may not be legally sound, and if not we should….
6 – Invade Other Countries
Nothing gets an economy going like a good, old-fashioned war. It’s been proven time and time again. And if we’re not able to get reparations from any of the shower of blaggards that have invaded us, it’s essentially a free-pass for us to invade anyone we want, without any recriminations whatsoever.
Obviously we’d need to choose somewhere that doesn’t have much of an army, and isn’t a total shit-hole. My suggestion would be Jamaica: Ireland would suddenly have the greatest sprinters on earth, and also, remarkably, be the birthplace of both sean-nos singing and reggae. We already have Marley Park in Dublin too, so we wouldn’t have to rename much of our monuments in honour of our new found national heroes. Additionally, we’d be able to have crazy Junkanoo carnivals all the time. I can literally see no down-side to this plan. Make it happen Enda.
The logic is simple, take ownership of all KFC outlets throughout the country, over staff each restaurant, over pay each staff member and lower the price of the Zinger Tower Meal to appeal to the masses.
This will solve numerous nationwide issues particularly in more rural areas. Unemployment rates will decrease rapidly and children who are currently malnourished will have access to unlimited amounts of Poppin’ Chicken and Chicken skin, Two essential elements of a stable diet. Is this an unsustainable economic model? Well, all I know is that you have to spend money to make money.
4 – Lie when the IMF Come Calling
This policy is pretty obvious, and is something that should be implemented immediately, if its not already in place. Mr. IMF, you want that £20 we owe ya? Sorry bud, we gave it to Luxembourg, they told us they’d pay ya for us. Mr. IMF, you want to know why the Irish government has bought every single citizen a solid gold crown, and diamante studded parachute pants? Ah bud, we didn’t buy those. We found them in a ditch.
3 – Roscommon Oil Wells
It is a well known fact that Roscommon is known for two reasons. Extensive Oil Reserves and Sheep Theft.
Bearing this in mind I think it essential for the Government to initiate a plan of action. We propose that Denis O’Brien and Larry Goodman should be installed to oversee this project and extract every barrel possible irrelevant of any long term implications that may effect tourism or local residents. After all this is completed and if there’s no oil actually found in Roscommon, the goverment should issue a really, really heartfelt apology in the classifieds section of a reputable journal, such as the Sunday World, to all those Roscommoners who are now effectively refugees.
2 – Our Diplomats Need To Be Streetwise
Now, we’re not endorsing crime, but there would be absolutely no harm in Ireland’s diplomats been a bit more savvy when they leave the country. When visiting foreign embassies there is absolutely no reason why they shouldn’t bring large burlap sacks with them, and fill them with whatever they can get their hands on – toilet roll, condiments, stationary – it all helps. Anything that is not nailed down should be considered fair game.
1 – Operation Relocation
This is one of the most straight forward and effective strategies available to the government to implement immediately.
It’s simple, demand that all proud Irish citizens living abroad, such as Shaq, pay an absence tax. The tax should be small, set at no less than 3% of gross income. When the ex-pats come back to complain, hit them with a larger tax – A massive 97% income tax, applicable to all people passing through any Irish airport wearing either a North Face coat or cargo pants. This will ensure that no real Irish people are taxed. Waive the absence tax, as a sign of good faith.