FHM published their annual list of the 100 Sexiest Women in the World this week, and as per usual, I was surprised by how many UK based soap stars made it in, in comparison to, say, sultry Venezuelan nurses. Another bugbear of mine is that these type of lists are a relatively new phenomena and only celebrate women that are currently in the fullness of health – they never praise the beautiful women who have the bad luck to have died hundred of years ago. We’re here today to right that wrong. Here are the 5 sexiest women from the Middle Ages.
This is probably be the most feminist post we’ll ever do, which admittedly isn’t saying much. I don’t know the names of all of these fine ladies, so if you recognise any of them let me know and I’ll credit them.
This Little Minx of a Blonde
OK, bears are eating children approximately 2 yards away from you – Is that reason not to work it? Absolutely not, as the blonde in the cheeky blue number demonstrates here to fine effect. In fact, she seems to be deriving great enjoyment from the massacre of the wailing youths. In fairness, it is pretty funny – there will never be a dull moment with this one on the loose!
This FIERCE Bi-atch
Let me speculate wildly about what’s going on in this scene. The woman in this picture has let rip a horrendous silent-but-violent, but is not owning up to it, despite the fact that its only her and the king in the room and they both know it was her. She certainly has the look of one who has eaten a quantity of slightly gone off beans. Nevertheless, despite her chronic flatulence, you can’t help but admire her stubborness and self-confidence in standing up to the king. In many ways, she’s a pre-cursor to strong modern women like Yonce and…er….Chyna.
The Morning After the Night Before with Adhan, Mother of Merlin
Everyone know’s that Adhan, mother of the magician Merlin, was a beauty, but did she sometimes make mistakes? Of course she did. Like the incident portrayed in the above picture where she conceived a magical son with a hell-beast. Look it, we’ve all been there – That dreadful, sobering realisation that the partner that you thought was a solid 6 or 7 wasn’t as attractive as you thought they were, and you have to give them the GTFO eyes.
In fairness to the hell-beast, his body is in decent shape. Bag on the head job.
This Warrior Princess
How many hard boiled eggs would you say this gal could put away? 30? Whatever number it is, it hardly matters – this is a woman who can solve all of her own jam-jar opening problems, and that makes her a shoo-in on a list like this.
Phwoar, now we’re talking! If, like me, you’re into women whose face looks like someone used it to put out a forest fire, then the Duchess will be right up your street. Her bosoms look like the top of Bruce Willis’ head, which is again a good thing. Suffice to say that the closest anyone has come to replicating this type of beauty since the 15th century is possibly the orang-utan butler in Babe: Pig In The City. Ring-A-Ling-Ding, Gentlemen start your engines!