As I’m sure everyone is aware, one of the biggest boxing matches of all time is happening this weekend in Las Vegas – Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are finally getting into the ring together.
However, as men that have been in many fights down the years, we here at Cat Malojin know only too well that, in reality, it is not always possible to fight with such grace or poise in the white heat of a scrap. So, here are 5 easy tips, guaranteed to help you get the better of any sucker who dares layeth the smacketh down.
I’m sure there a few people out there who are doubting my fighting pedigree, so here are testimonials from three foolish gentlemen who decided to dance with the devil.
5 – Avoid Confrontation
Of course, the most successful way to ensure you don’t get hurt in a fight is to not get in a fight. This is easier said than done, of course. One way of achieving this is to pre-emptively compliment the guy you think may be seeking to hit you. Praise the virtues of his mother. Praise her early, and praise her often. He’ll surely appreciate the kind words. If this doesn’t work, carry a can of Lynx Phoenix, and douse yourself and those around you in it, if trouble approaches. This putrid stench will have the same basic affect as a skunk spreading his stink, and your enemy will scarper.
Remember, the only two occasions that it’s alright to instigate a fight yourself, is either if someone has insulted the honour of a maiden fayre, or if you think someone looked at you funny.
4 – Dress Appropriately
This would seem like an obvious one, but you’d be surprised by what some people wear to a fight. I remember it well one time I thought I was fighting a gigantic rodent but it turned out to actually be a man in a mouse suit. Needless to say I was kicked out of EuroDisney after that.
The plethora of superhero movies nowadays would suggest that spandex jumpsuits are ideal fighting attire. Not a bit of it. The only things you definitely need to wear are a pair of steel toe boots, and a pair of jeans that you’ve cut at the bottom to slide over your boots. Studies have shown that the fight coefficient increases by a factor of µ when this gear is worn.
3 – Talk the Talk
There will inevitably be a bit of smack talk before any fight, but this is not the time to start rolling off Mark Twain witticisms. Keep it simple, but there’s no need to be rude and resort to cursing. Call your opponent a hoor, a boozy, a dooder, a fool, or, worst of all, a scrub. Key adjectives to precede those insults include damndable, awful, feckless or nogious.
After you’ve despatched your opponent you can make a ironic pun, related to the way you’ve finished them off. Arnie is the master of this….
…whereas Steven Seagal fails miserably…
Note to self: Rewatch Hard to Kill ASAP
2 – Be Aware of Your Surroundings
It’s important you keep your cool in a fight, and work with what you have. Is there a convenient ledge that you can climb and do a flying elbow drop from? If you are in a crowded area such, as a pub, take a look at all the people around you – Can any of these make decent human shields? If you are fighting in a library, hardback editions of Victor Hugo’s bibliography can double as an effective throwing weapon. Even if it doesn’t hurt him, he might sympathise with Jean Valjean’s downfall and redemption within the novel, and beg for forgiveness. If he does, this is the perfect time to hit him with a big stick.
1 – The Moves
If you’ve followed all the steps above this should be the easy part. All you need to do is: Jab, Jab, Jab, Fake Dunder, Jab, Dunder, Jab, Serious Dunder. He’ll be on the ground quicker than a trailer park in a tornado. If you need me to tell you what a dunder is, you’ve learned absolutely nothing from this piece.
Other effective fighting methods include kicking them up the hole, doing the Walls of Jericho on them, reporting them to the UN who will send in a peace keeping envoy and make your opponent like a total jerk, or hypnotizing them with snakey slithering movements like in the video below. This is actually probably the most common method I use.
In conclusion, if we could distil everything we’ve taught you into a short video it would be this. Best of luck, boys and girls!