Ireland’s Top English Internationals

Ireland host the old enemy, England, in the Aviva this Sunday afternoon and in the build up to what is sure to be tense encounter, but will inevitably be a 1-1 draw, we take a look at Ireland’s greatest players to hail from Her Majesty’s shores.

5 – Tony Cascarino

With 88 Caps, 19 goals and handsomeness coming out the wazoo, Cascarino wasn’t typical of Irish strikers. That’s could have something to do with Cascarino’s Italian, English, and South Sudanese descent and his notable total lack of Irish descent. He was once transferred for ‘some training gear’, and has opened up about the rampant drug use amongst the players at Marseille in the mid 90’s. In fairness, he admitted that they were only taking copious levels of Calpol and Vitamin C tablets. But, also in fairness, there was zero deaths as a result of scurvy at Marseille in the 90’s. Coincidence?

4 – Andy Townsend

Andy Townsend

“I think one of these teams could win this” – Andrew H. Townsend

Before Townsend became the worst pundit on the planet he represented Ireland at the ’90 World Cup, captained his adopted nation in ’94 at the World Cup in the USA and scored seven times before being inducted into FAI Hall of Fame this year. These days you can find Townsend in Sainsburys in Newton Abbott, where he works part time.

3 – Johnny Walters

Walters has always given his all for Ireland in fairness to him, and will be hoping to add a Euro 2016 medal to the Stoke City coaching staff’s player of the year 2011 and Sir Matthews Potteries Footballer of the Year 2012. We included him here as we fear he’d give us a thump if we didn’t.

2 – Jason McAteer

Had to be included, if only for THAT goal against Holland. McAteer is an hilarious old character though – he once locked himself out of his car and the police told him to get a coat hanger so they could help him open the doors. He promptly went and brought out a wooden one. There was also the time he ordered a pizza and was asked if he wanted it cut in eights and replied, “Nah, I’m not that hungry, just cut it in fours please”

Both true stories.

1 – Mark Lawrenson

Krusty as King Lear

Lawro is essentially a big old dog. Not the most attractive, pretty stupid, but with a certain appeal that you will never tire of. Want someone to co-commentate on Debrecen vs Apoel Nicosia? Lawro is your man. No job is too degrading, and he will inevitably make you laugh a number of times during a match with some ridiculous, borderline racist, comment. In fact the total lack of preparation he puts into his media work is commendable in its own way. A fine footballer, unfortunately for him, like Liam Brady, he was a bit over the hill before Irelands glory days. Also, the butt of Apres Match’s finest skit:

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