It really and truly is summer now, with the country basking in beautiful weather these past few days. Of course, this means that this is the time of the year when young people go on their holidays to the beach and festivals, or wherever else it is that whippersnappers go to nowadays. Of course it can often be very difficult to decide what to wear to these events – you have to decide between functionality and style.
Luckily, we are delighted to announce that Ireland’s best dressed celebrity lawyer, Gerald Kean, has put together his key tips for getting through this potentially treacherous process with your dignity intact. Take it away Gerald!
5 – Crimped Hair
Crimping is probably the most important part of my pre-court ritual. It doesn’t give me any advantage per se with the judge, but as a celebrity lawyer it’s very important to look the part, and for my money early millenium Christina Aguilera is the only part worth playing. I estimate I spend over €10,000 on crimping per month. This country, wha?!
Originally I was forced to wear umbrella hats purely as a direct result of the lousy quality of the Louis Copeland suits I sport, none of which are colour fast. These days, I also find that they’re a great way of keeping the sun off my nose, and of also deflecting the large number of bags of dog excrement that haters throw at me whenever they see me.
3 – Tees with Slogans
I’m not able to carry off crop tops with as much aplomb as I used to, but I find that tee shirts with messages on them are an absolutely fantastic way to Number 1: display how funny I am, and Number 2: Psyche out haters in court. Like most people I truly believe that being a hater should be punishable by death.
2- Parachute Pants
Parachute pants go with essentially everything, and give you acres of room in the important sack and balls region. Like all items in this post, these pants are from my personal collection, and the golden fabric was made from the finest Armenian pyrite.
1 – Poisoned Knife Brogues
Due to the incredibly high number of haters I seem to attract, these knife shoes have been a godsend. I got the idea from the James Bond movie From Russia With Love, and the blade is doused in near lethal levels of cod liver oil, which can get very smelly. The blade is also very useful for shaving the toe hair on my opposite foot.
The Complete Look
Here’s the complete look – I call it Homme Gerald – and I’m sure you will agree, it is ballin. This particular photo was taken on a big night for Lisa and myself; our engagement party no less. Naturally, I wore my favourite tee – although you can’t see all the text due to my crimps, it reads ‘Long Dong Daddy from Cinncinnati’. I don’t really know what it means, but it rhymes, and I like that.
Look and learn haters, look and learn.