The 5th series of the wildly popular fantasy kill fest that is Game of Thrones ended this week, and like a lot of fans I felt a bit shell-shocked as the credits rolled, and I was left with more questions than answers. But unlike most people I quickly got my shit together and formulated answers to those questions, and if anything, now I have more answers than questions. Don’t want to wait a year to find out what happens next? Then, read on friend! Spoilers Ahead!
5 – Is Stannis Baratheon dead?
Just as Brienne was about to execute Stannis the scene cutaway, which has led to some people questioning whether Stannis the Mannis, the One True King, and the King of my Heart, was actually killed. Look back closely at the scene. In the heat of the moment you may not have noticed that it looks suspiciously like Stannis is about to take off in a jetpack and is packing an Uzi. Expect the haters to be mowed down early in the next series, with typically non-chalant swagger.
4 – What will Cersei do next?
Cersei’s next move should be a pragmatic one. Due to the high levels of piss and shit that she’s covered in I would recommend that she takes a bath. Or at the very least she should give the pits and crotch a quick scrub, and douse on the Lynx Africa. After that? I dunno, Tommen is probably hungry. She could make him a ham sandwich or something.
3 – How will Daenerys get out of this pickle?
After being stood up by her creatively named dragon, Drogon, Dany attempts to walk back to her home across the Narrow Sea, when she is suddenly surrounded by hordes of Dothraki. Hordes and hordes. Aah aah, I’ll never forget the terror! What will become of her? Look again at the scene: The Dothraki horde looks incredibly cartoonish. You know why that is? They’re not real. Has Dany possibly been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn’t some of this maybe be in her head? I think we’ll find out that it is. She’s totally fine. She’s never even been across the Narrow Sea.
2 – Just who is the bald man that approached Tyrion?
We all got a major fright in the final episode when Tyrion was snuck up on by a follically challenged gentleman. Just who could this handsome stranger be? This is what they call a crossover. All the best TV series have them. Two of the best series of all time Magnum PI and Murder, She Wrote had crossover episodes all the time. As would be expected, the banter between Higgins and Jessica Fletcher was never short of extraordin-bantz. ‘That’s fantastic Paddy, I’ll be sure to check that out’ you’re no doubt saying right now, ‘but who is this bald man?’ Well, I can reveal that it’s none other than Coronation Street butcher, Fred Elliott. What does this mean for the sixth series? Well, I confidently predict that you can expect Tyrion and Fred to open a charcouterie in downtown Meereen, with wor Ashley calling in to help out during the busy Christmas rush. I say, I say!
1 – Is Jon Snow dead?
Well, to be honest, I don’t know if he is or he isn’t. What I can say is this – if he’s not dead my Jon Snow Memorial Shrine will have been a complete waste of time.