The Cat Malojin Guide to Mens Health Week

This week is Mens Health Week, which ranks way below Shark Week but slightly above Holy Week in terms of my favourite annual weeks. But lets face it – the human body is the best friend you have and it’s vital that you look after it, dingus. Here are some easy tips to help you stay in tip top shape.

Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate

It’s only natural for a person to be drained physically after a grueling work week, so common sense would surely dictate that you should binge on liquids over the course of the weekend to replenish the body. Vodka is probably the most beneficial drink as it’s essentially concentrated potato cordial, so probably helps keep deadly diseases like scurvy and the chilblains at bay.

Water should be avoided, as much as possible, as it is the most dangerous of all liquids – For instance, did you know that over 95% of shark attacks occur in or around water?

Breathe Easy


Only a fool would underestimate the healing qualities of tobacco. In much the same way that burning tyres and petrol can be used to flush rabbits out of their burrows, smoking tobacco can be used to flush toxins out of the lungs. Its basic science.

Please note: there is no proof that chewing tobacco has any intrinsic worth other than making you more desirable to ladies.

A Healthy Diet

It’s difficult to eat in a healthy manner on a budget, so you should load up on foods that are full of a particular nutrient – i.e. tuna is a fantastic source of protein, citrus fruit are full for Vitamin C and crisps are great for meeting your daily requirement of saturated fats.

Red meat gets a bad press but eating meat doesn’t need to be dangerous, as long as you remember the food chain.

Regular Exercise

Let me make myself clear – You will never become a WWE superstar unless you exercise on at least a semi-regular basis.

You have to be careful about what exercise is right for you though: Many moons ago in my dojo, my sensei thought me that doing an activity that can’t be preceded by the word round-house is essentially pointless.

Fear not if you don’t want to exercise, for there are numerous things that can replace a healthy body, and still make you irresistable to women of dubious morality – Things like money, wealth, an abundant revenue stream, affluence, capital or richness of pocket.

Mental Health

Look, I’ll admit it. I have voices in my head. They’re pretty much there constantly. Sometimes they can be quite annoying, and convince me that everyone in the pub would like to see me do  a little dance. On other occasions, the voices can be quite helpful, and tell me to buy a Twix or to play R. Kelly tunes on my iPod, both of which I always enjoy.

I suppose the best thing I can do is to make my peace, and hope to live with the voices. The big fear though, is that someday the voices will ask me just what exactly I’m doing with my life.


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